But if Not…

I remember screaming in the shower, crying out to God with all of my heart. I couldn't understand why he would bless me with so much then make me choose Him over it all.

My job was my calling and I knew Christ had put me there, caused me to prosper. Because of this job and what it gave me I finally had a purpose in the world, I was a success, and I had a very bright future.

But then this foundation I had been building for myself started to crack. It was a small crack at first, the kind you fill in with putty and then paint over. But my heart sank because I knew it would only grow. And it grew; it grew fast and it grew big and my tower teetered precariously. Only God could save it but he didn't seem to be doing anything, just watching as it got worse. Someone else, the very someone who had caused the crack in the first place, came along and offered to fix it for me.

They said they could make the entire problem go away and my life would continue as always, the bright future would still be mine. The tower would stand. But no one makes an offer like that unless there's a catch.

I just had to do one simple thing, one little act of submission to prove my loyalty. If I did this one little thing, this thing that contradicted everything I had ever stood for or against, my tower would be saved.

"It's not a big deal..."

"Is it really worth losing your job over?" "Think of the greater good..."

These are the things my friends told me when I tried to explain why I was so stressed. These were the loud voices in my head asking me why I was hesitating? Why WAS I hesitating? I had what I'd always dreamed of, was I crazy to even THINK of sacrificing it all?

"Have faith, believe in me..." was the quiet voice in my head. "I gave you all of this, can I not preserve it?"

My choice: compromise my ethics to stay where God had placed me, or stay true and trust in Him to make a way where there was no way. Many days I came so very close to loosing faith that God would take care of me. I knew I could make it all better with one small act: it wouldn't cost me anything but my honor. But if I sacrificed my faith, what good would all the success in the world do me? That thought stopped me every time: I could not give up faith in Jesus. He died for me, was I really willing to throw that back in his face and say "I know you gave me all of this but I can't trust you to take care of me anymore. I'll fix it myself."

I cried, I screamed, I BEGGED the Lord to pull me out of this mess, to make it all go away, but nothing happened.

I wrestled with it for months, asking God on a daily basis why he would allow this to happen, why he would make me choose. One day he reminded me that faith is not a feeling, something you just can't help having in the moment. It's a choice, and it's the actions you take to back up that choice.

I kept going back to Daniel 3, the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace and their answer to the king became my battle cry. "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

And I chose to have faith, even if my answer had to be "But if not." The decision to place everything in God's hands no matter what came, why was it the hardest decision I've ever had to make?

Friends, deliverance does not always come right away. The Lord let me sit in this unknown for over a year. I sat and watched the tower teeter in the wind while the crack stayed the same. Mercifully, it didn't grow a whole lot. The same offer of "help" was offered continuously, and the threat of collapse was waved in my face daily.

Every morning I had to choose faith, and many mornings I faltered. But the thing about making a choice is that it gets easier every time you make it. Somehow a feeling of peace crept into my heart and I knew everything would be alright, even if I didn't know how.

Today my pleading, begging, broken-hearted prayers were answered in full and the tower God gave me stands strong and stable, a testament to His power and faithfulness. He was with me through all the doubts and fears, He gave me peace when I felt like I was going crazy with worry, and He brought me through despite my weakness.

Whatever trial you are facing, please please PLEASE don't loose faith. The Lord has promised to be with us if we stay true to him and he keeps his promises. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, maybe ten years from now, you will look back and see his hand in everything and be so glad you didn't take the easy way out❤️